


just take a breath, love

by ragingcalm



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Idols, Insecurity, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan Needs a Hug, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, Loneliness, M/M, Multi, NCT Dream Ensemble-centric, Self-Esteem Issues, Soft NCT Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24478876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragingcalm/pseuds/ragingcalm
Summary: "Sometimes, Donghyuck’s head was full of irrational thoughts. Sometimes, he felt terribly insecure and lonely. He stopped seeing all the good in himself and started focusing only on the bad. He felt like he was worthless, like he was a waste of space."Or, six times when Donghyuck was hurting and the Dreamies stepped in to comfort him.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Everyone, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Everyone, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Park Jisung, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 19
Kudos: 455
Collections: Neo got back





	just take a breath, love

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "Losing Me" by Gabrielle Aplin and JP Cooper (also where the title comes from).
> 
> To clarify the dorm situation, I wrote this so that Donghyuck stays in the Dream dorms when he's promoting with them. The first five are when Donghyuck is promoting with Dream, and the last one is when Donghyuck is promoting with 127. Also, some parts (like the last one) take place at a certain time/era, but the timeline is generally pretty loose. Lastly, I wrote the first five parts in the others' perspectives, but the last one is from Donghyuck's perspective. 
> 
> As a disclaimer, I don't actually know what Donghyuck's life is like. I'm not saying that he feels like this; this is just my interpretation of the stress and struggles that idols have to deal with (plus my own experiences).
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

**1\. Jeno**

Something was wrong with Donghyuck. His movements were sluggish and heavy, nowhere near as powerful and smooth as they usually were. He was dragging behind the beat. He seemed exhausted--like he was forcing himself through the choreography. 

Jeno frowned. He had been watching Donghyuck out of the corner of his eye for the past hour of practice, and he wasn’t getting any better. In fact, he was getting worse. Donghyuck looked like he was ready to collapse at any moment. 

When the song came to an end, Jeno paused the music and turned to the members. “How about we take five?”

All the members nodded, heading over to various corners of the practice room to grab some water and some rest. All the members except for Donghyuck. He remained in the middle of the studio running through the moves _again_ , even though he had to know it wasn’t doing him any good. 

“Hey.” Jeno laid his hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder, his voice gentle. “You’ve been working really hard, Hyuck-ah. Why don’t you come take a break with the rest of us?”

Donghyuck shook his head, breathing heavily. “I have to get this right.”

“You’ll never get it right if you keep pushing yourself like this. Come on, give it a rest for just five minutes.” 

Donghyuck lowered his head and exhaled slowly. “Alright. Five minutes.”

Feeling immensely relieved, Jeno grabbed Donghyuck’s hand and led him over to their belongings. He rummaged through his bag for a water bottle and handed it to Donghyuck, who drank greedily.

“Better?” Jeno asked.

Donghyuck nodded, but he didn’t _look_ much better. 

“Are you alright, Donghyuck?” 

“I’m fine,” Donghyuck assured him. He tried for a smile, but it was too weak to fool anyone.

“You sure about that?” Jeno raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, I’m a little tired,” Donghyuck admitted. “But that’s it. I swear I’m alright.”

Jeno didn’t believe it for a second. “Come here.” He scooted in front of Donghyuck and put a hand on his forehead. “Hyuck,” Jeno sighed. “You’re burning up.”

“Am I?” Donghyuck didn’t look too surprised. He mostly just looked exhausted. 

“Yes.” Jeno grabbed his phone, already typing out a message to their manager. “I’m taking you back to the dorms.”

“You don’t have to,” Donghyuck protested. “I can just stay here until you guys are finished.”

“No way,” Jeno said, with conviction in his voice. “You’re coming with me.” He got to his feet and extended his hands to Donghyuck. Donghyuck sighed, but he grabbed Jeno’s hands. Jeno pulled him to his feet and wrapped an arm around Donghyuck to support him. “Can you walk?”

Donghyuck nodded, though he was blinking rapidly as if trying to keep the world in focus. Jeno’s heart clenched with worry. At least it was a short walk back to the dorm. And if worst came to worst, he could always carry Donghyuck there. 

He turned to the rest of the members. “Donghyuck’s sick. I’m taking him back to the dorms. Don’t do anything stupid while we’re gone, okay?”

The members nodded, their faces unusually serious. Jeno knew they’d be okay. 

“Feel better soon, Donghyuck-hyung!” Chenle called out as they walked through the door. 

“I will,” Donghyuck responded, but it was so quiet that Jeno knew he was the only one who heard.

As the pair slowly made their way back to the dorm, Jeno mentally berated himself. How could he not notice sooner? He’d been watching Donghyuck, and he knew something was up, but he didn’t say anything until now. It was his job to take care of the members. Jeno couldn’t help feeling like he’d failed Donghyuck. He was supposed to be the leader, but what kind of leader didn’t notice one of their members was sick until so late? If he’d waited any longer, Donghyuck might have actually passed out. He knew how busy Donghyuck’s schedule was--he had literally no break in between promotions. Jeno should have been paying closer attention.

“Hey.” Donghyuck’s voice broke Jeno out of his thoughts. He spoke softly, but deliberately. “I know what you’re thinking. Don’t blame yourself, Jeno-yah. I should have told you that I wasn’t feeling well.”

“But you’re _my_ responsibility, Hyuck. I should have noticed you were sick sooner. I’m sorry. I let you down.” Jeno’s shoulders felt heavy with guilt. He looked down at the sidewalk as they walked, unwilling to look at Donghyuck.

“Don’t you _dare_ say that, Jeno Lee.” Jeno looked up in surprise. Donghyuck’s eyes were fierce, his voice steady. “You’re the best damn leader this team could ever ask for. You do _so much_ for all of us. We would be lost without you. And even if you do make mistakes sometimes, it’s alright, because nobody’s perfect. Look, we both messed up here. I’ve been pushing myself too hard lately… but that’s not your fault. So you are _not_ allowed to blame yourself for me getting sick, okay?”

“... Okay.” Jeno nodded, looking Donghyuck in the eye. He still felt a little guilty, but Donghyuck had eased most of the weight from his shoulders. 

Donghyuck smiled at him, and it was much more genuine than before. This time, Jeno smiled back.

Soon enough, they arrived back at the dorms. Jeno breathed a sigh of relief that they’d made it back and led Donghyuck to his own room. He helped Donghyuck take off his shoes then lifted the covers of his bed for him. Donghyuck looked back at him, unsure, but Jeno just gestured towards the bed. Donghyuck climbed in, and Jeno tucked him in gently. 

“I’m going to go get some medicine, okay?” 

When Jeno returned with medicine and a glass of water, Donghyuck’s eyes were already closed. Jeno couldn’t help the fond smile that spread across his face. Donghyuck always looked adorable when he was asleep. 

He sat down on the bed next to Donghyuck and shook him gently. Luckily, he wasn’t fully asleep yet, just dozing off. “Hmm?” Donghyuck mumbled. He looked up at Jeno sleepily. “What is it?”

“I brought you your medicine, sleepy,” Jeno teased, but his voice was impossibly fond. “Here.” He extended the pill to Donghyuck, who popped it in his mouth. Jeno held the glass of water to Donghyuck’s lips as he swallowed the medicine. Jeno set the glass down on the nightstand and reached out to run a hand through Donghyuck’s hair. “Go back to sleep, okay?” Jeno whispered.

“Okay,” Donghyuck replied, his eyes already falling shut again.

“I gotta go,” Jeno said, getting up, “but I promise I’ll be back when you wake up.”

“Wait!” Donghyuck called out as Jeno opened the door. When Jeno looked back, Donghyuck was looking right at him. “I love you.”

Jeno smiled back, his heart warm. “I love you too, Hyuck.”

-

**2\. Jisung**

It was the middle of the night, and Jisung was thirsty. He’d woken up several minutes earlier (for no apparent reason), and he couldn’t fall back asleep. He didn’t really want to get out of bed, but he could use some water. Besides, it was better than tossing and turning in bed for who knew how long trying to ignore his dry throat.

Jisung grabbed his phone and climbed down the ladder of the bunk bed, trying to be as quiet as he could to avoid waking Jaemin. Using his phone as a flashlight, Jisung crept towards the kitchen. 

Upon entering, Jisung couldn’t stop himself from screaming a little. There was already someone in the kitchen.

The person looked up at Jisung, their face illuminated in the dim light of Jisung’s phone. 

“Oh, it’s you,” said Jisung with a sigh of relief. He held a hand to his chest and felt his heart rate beginning to return to normal. “You scared me, hyung.”

“Sorry, Jisung-ah.” Donghyuck smiled crookedly at Jisung. He was sitting at the counter with a mug, and he’d been scrolling through his phone before Jisung came in. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” Donghyuck continued. “What are you doing up anyway?”

“I, uh, I just came to get some water,” Jisung remembered. “Woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.”

“Let me get it for you,” Donghyuck said, standing up. “I did just scare you out of your wits a minute ago, after all.” 

“I wasn’t _that_ scared.” Jisung pouted.

“Yes, you were,” said Donghyuck. But he spoke in a fond tone, not a condescending one.

“Fine,” Jisung admitted. He sat down at the counter next to where Donghyuck had been sitting. A few seconds later, Donghyuck set down a glass of water in front of Jisung and sat back down. 

Jisung sipped the water gratefully then turned his attention to Donghyuck. “Why are you awake, hyung?”

“Same as you, Jisung-ah. I woke up not too long ago and came here to get something to drink,” said Donghyuck, but he wasn’t looking at Jisung. Instead, he studied his mug of tea(?) as if it held all the answers to the universe.

“You’re not telling the truth,” Jisung deduced. He thought for a moment then gasped with realization. “Did you never go to sleep?” Jisung checked the time on his phone frantically. “It’s four o’clock in the morning, hyung! You should be in bed.”

“I know.” Donghyuck’s voice was empty. 

“So what are you doing up?” Jisung demanded. 

“It doesn’t matter!” Donghyuck snapped. He slumped over the counter and put his head in his hands. “Just… go back to bed, Jisung.”

“No,” Jisung said stubbornly. “I’m not leaving you here alone in the dark. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“You want to know what’s wrong, Jisung?” Donghyuck finally faced him, his eyes blazing and his voice angry. “Everything! I _tried_ going to sleep. But my brain won’t shut up about every stupid mistake I made today and everything little thing that’s wrong with me. I’m so fucking tired, but my brain won’t stop running. It just keeps pointing out every little flaw that I have and telling me why I don’t deserve to be an idol. The fans deserve someone more talented, someone more hard-working, someone more handsome… someone _better_. How can I possibly live up to everyone’s expectations?”

Jisung blinked in surprise. It had been a while since he’d seen Donghyuck like this. He was always happy, always smiling. It was rare that he expressed his negative emotions. But, Jisung supposed, all this must have been bubbling under the surface, just waiting to explode. 

Usually, it was Jisung who broke down and cried. It was Donghyuck and the other hyungs who comforted him. But if Donghyuck needed comfort this time, Jisung was more than willing to give it back. 

“You can’t,” Jisung said calmly. “Look, Donghyuck-hyung. You can never live up to those expectations, because they’re impossible. It’s not our job to be perfect. It’s our job to just try our best and do as well as we can. We all mess up sometimes. You don’t have to beat yourself up over every little mistake, hyung. And any real fan of ours will accept that we’re not perfect. We’re only human, after all.”

“I _know_ that, but it’s not that easy, Jisung.”

“Look at me, hyung.” Jisung grabbed Donghyuck’s hands and squeezed. Donghyuck looked at him with teary eyes. Jisung’s heart clenched, but he pressed on. “I know it’s hard to accept your flaws. But, look, _I_ accept you and all of who you are. Even if you aggravate me and drive me crazy sometimes, I would never change anything about you. And I know the rest of the members feel the same way. I promise you, we all love you for who you are, and we’ll always be here to support and encourage you, no matter what happens.”

Tears were flowing freely down Donghyuck’s face now. He let out a quiet sob and launched himself forward into Jisung’s chest. Jisung untangled his hands from Donghyuck’s and wrapped his arms around Donghyuck’s body. As Donghyuck trembled and shook, Jisung held him tight. 

“It’s okay,” Jisung murmured into Donghyuck’s neck. “Just let it out.”

Jisung sighed, wishing he could do more to make his hyung feel better. He knew as well as anyone all the struggles and pressure that came with being an idol. It made even the strongest of them break sometimes. But this was the path that the both of them had chosen. So for now, all they could do was cling onto each other and weather the storm together. 

Eventually, Donghyuck’s sobs faded and his breathing stabilized. He stopped trembling, but he clung onto Jisung as tightly as before. 

“Hey,” Jisung whispered. “I think it’s time for us to go to sleep.”

“Don’t want to let go,” Donghyuck said, his voice muffled. 

“You don’t have to,” said Jisung softly. “Come on, let’s go to your bed. I’ll sleep with you tonight.”

“Okay,” Donghyuck agreed. He finally detached his body from Jisung but grabbed his hand again and held it tight. Donghyuck got to his feet shakily, and Jisung reached out to steady him. The two of them walked to Donghyuck’s bedroom hand in hand.

Once they were under the covers, Donghyuck wrapped himself around Jisung again. Jisung didn’t mind. And if Jisung clung onto Donghyuck just as tightly, well, that was between the two of them. 

As Jisung felt himself starting to drift off, Donghyuck whispered in his ear. “When did you get so wise, Jisung-ah?”

Jisung’s eyes were closed, but he smiled anyway. “It’s because I’ve got the best hyungs in the world,” he whispered back. 

“You teach us just as much.” Donghyuck mumbled. He shifted closer to Jisung, if that was even possible. 

Jisung’s hold on Donghyuck tightened. “Good night, hyung.”

“Good night, Jisung-ah.”

-

**3\. Chenle**

Chenle could tell that today was going to be a rough day. It was early morning, and they had a full day of schedules. Right now, the Dream members were in the car on their way to the studio. Everyone was in various states of consciousness. Renjun and Jeno were talking quietly. Jisung and Jaemin looked like they were dozing off. And Donghyuck… well, he was leaning on the car door with his eyes closed, but he kept shifting around in his seat every few seconds. It looked like he was trying to fall asleep, but he was too agitated to do so. 

Chenle chewed on his lower lip. He was worried. He’d heard noises in the kitchen last night, and this morning Jisung had told him it was him and Donghyuck. Apparently he’d been having a hard time sleeping, and Jisung practically had to drag him to bed. 

Chenle didn’t want to bother Donghyuck, but he had to do something to help. Hesitantly, he rested his head on Donghyuck’s shoulder. He carefully slid one arm behind Donghyuck and placed the other in front, clasping his hands together and effectively wrapping Donghyuck in his arms. 

As Chenle made himself comfortable, he heard Donghyuck let out a small sigh of contentment. He’d stopped fidgeting, and his breathing was getting slower. Chenle smiled to himself. It had worked. The car ride wouldn’t be very long, but at least Donghyuck could get a little bit of rest. They all knew he needed it. 

Chenle closed his eyes, too, and let himself drift off. 

Way too soon, he felt someone tapping on his shoulder. “Chenle-yah,” Jeno said. “We’re here. Wake up.”

Chenle groaned. He did not want to be awake. But he reluctantly disentangled himself from Donghyuck and unbuckled his seatbelt. He turned to Donghyuck, still asleep, and shook him gently. “Hyung, we have to go.”

Donghyuck muttered something unintelligible but opened his eyes and sat upright. He fumbled with his seatbelt, then the car door, and then they were outside in the sunshine. Donghyuck squinted and grabbed Chenle’s arm. “It’s too bright,” he mumbled. 

Chenle agreed. But since he was the more awake one out of the two, he pulled Donghyuck along towards the studio. 

They were doing a live radio show today. Chenle was glad that the environment would be pretty relaxed, but of course they would still have to be funny and entertaining. As idols, they always had to be happy and cheerful. They could never show that they were tired or upset or angry. They had to filter everything. It was difficult, especially with zero sleep. 

Luckily, they had about half an hour before the broadcast started. Chenle dropped off Donghyuck in the waiting room with the rest of the members then went off in search of coffee. 

He found the break room easily enough (they had been here before) and made two coffees relatively quickly. 

When he got back to the waiting room, Donghyuck looked a little more awake. He was playing a game on his phone, though he was messing up more than he usually did. Chenle sat next to Donghyuck and placed the two coffees on the table in front of them. When Donghyuck didn’t react, he cleared his throat and gestured towards the coffee. 

Donghyuck shot Chenle a grateful smile and picked up the cup closest to him. “Did you put in--?”

“Two sugars and a splash of milk, yep.” Chenle grinned at Donghyuck and grabbed his own cup. “I know how you like your coffee, hyung.”

“Thanks, Chenle-yah.” Donghyuck reached out and ruffled Chenle’s hair. “I really needed this.”

“No problem,” Chenle replied, feeling inexplicably content. 

The two of them sat there quietly, drinking coffee while enjoying each other’s company and ignoring whatever chaos was going on around them (Jisung and Renjun were loudly bickering about something, but Chenle was used to it by now).

By the time they had to go to the studio, Donghyuck was definitely looking better. There was even a small bounce in his step as they walked over, though Chenle had no idea where the energy came from. 

When they sat down, Chenle made sure to choose the seat next to Donghyuck. He grabbed Donghyuck’s hand underneath the table and squeezed it in silent support. It was time. 

The broadcast was going pretty well, actually. Donghyuck was smiling and laughing, and nobody could tell that it was a little less bright than usual. Chenle made sure to keep his own energy high and to talk more frequently in order to take some of the pressure off of Donghyuck. Donghyuck was a natural-born entertainer, but even he had his limits. 

The rest of the members did well, too. Even though Chenle knew they were all tired, they didn’t show it. 

Sometimes, when Chenle thought Donghyuck’s energy was waning, he’d squeeze Donghyuck’s hand or rub his thumb across the back of it reassuringly. He knew how much Donghyuck loved physical affection. Chenle hoped he was helping, even if it was only a little bit.

The rest of the day continued in a similar manner. The members were shuttled around to various venues to give interviews and entertain. Through it all, Chenle stuck by Donghyuck. He gave Donghyuck encouraging little touches and compliments, and he talked and laughed as much as he could.

Chenle might have been tired too, but it was worth it if Donghyuck felt less pressured.

By the time they got back to the dorm, it was late afternoon, and everybody was ready to crash. Jeno and Jaemin collapsed on the couch and started a movie. Jisung and Renjun went to their rooms, presumably to nap. Chenle expected Donghyuck to go with them, but he followed Chenle to the kitchen. 

“Hey, Chenle,” said Donghyuck, yawning and stretching his arms above his head. “Thanks for helping me out today. I really appreciate it.” 

And even though the two of them had been together basically all day, he reached out and yanked Chenle into a hug. He pressed his face into Chenle’s neck and rubbed his hands soothingly on Chenle’s back. Chenle relaxed into Donghyuck’s embrace. Honestly, being hugged by Donghyuck was one of the best things in the world. He just had a way of making you feel so loved and supported, so happy and warm inside. There was nowhere else Chenle would rather be right now. 

“Anytime, hyung,” Chenle mumbled. He really didn’t want to let go. 

Just then, Donghyuck’s stomach grumbled. They both laughed. “You want to get some food, Chenle-yah?” 

“How about I make you some ramyeon?”

“Wow, the famous Chenle ramyeon?” Donghyuck chuckled. “I feel so special.”

“You deserve it,” Chenle said, squeezing Donghyuck tighter. “You did _so well_ today, hyung.”

-

**4\. Renjun**

It was around 10 PM. Renjun was in his room playing games on his phone and doing nothing in particular when the door opened and Donghyuck burst in.  
“Hi.” Renjun raised an eyebrow at him.

“Renjun,” Donghyuck said, bouncing on the balls of his feet. He didn’t look excited though, it was more like he was restless. “Let’s go somewhere. I need to get out of this dorm.”

“Okay,” Renjun agreed. After years of knowing each other, he was pretty familiar with Donghyuck’s moods. If Donghyuck said he needed to escape, then he really did. And Renjun wasn’t going to let him go out alone (even if he would much rather stay in bed). It was sort of like taking a dog for a walk, Renjun mused. He smiled privately to himself at the thought but didn’t say it out loud. 

Renjun grabbed his phone and his wallet then put on a baseball cap and a mask. Just like that, he was ready. “Where are we going?” he asked. 

“Mm, I was thinking we could just wander around like usual. Maybe stop by a market if any are open.” 

“Sounds like a plan,” Renjun said, and then they were off. 

It was a quiet night, thankfully. There weren’t too many people on the streets this late. The night sky was relatively clear, and the moon shone brightly overhead. Donghyuck and Renjun walked in a comfortable silence, the kind that comes only from years of friendship. 

Walking through the streets of Seoul late at night was a familiar routine for Renjun and Donghyuck. It had started back when they were trainees. Sometimes, the dorms just got too suffocating. Though they hadn’t known each other too well, Donghyuck and Renjun snuck out together one night. Renjun remembered the adrenaline and fear pumping throughout his body. He had been so afraid they’d get caught and kicked out of the company. But both of them needed it, and besides, he’d never been very good at saying no to Donghyuck. 

As exciting and terrifying as it felt the first time they snuck out, nothing too interesting happened. It had been later at night, then. Donghyuck and Renjun walked around for about half an hour then made it back to the dorms without anyone noticing. Honestly, it was kind of a miracle that they didn’t get caught. Over the years, they got better at sneaking out. Or so they thought. Turned out that everyone had known about their little escapades for a while, but they turned a blind eye since Donghyuck and Renjun always ended up fine. By now, Renjun knew the streets of Seoul as well as the back of his hand, and they’d gotten pretty good at avoiding trouble. 

Anyway, their late-night wanderings had certainly brought Donghyuck and Renjun closer. Sometimes, they walked in silence; sometimes, they kept up a steady stream of conversation. But no matter what they were doing, simply being in each other’s company was enough to make them feel more comfortable around each other. 

As they walked through the streets again, Renjun wondered what the reason was this time. There didn’t have to be a reason, he knew. Sometimes, people felt things with no clue why. But tonight, Donghyuck was bubbling with nervous energy. As he walked, he kept fidgeting with his hands, his mask, his jacket. Honestly, it was making Renjun feel more tired just looking at him.

As they approached an old playground, Renjun grabbed Donghyuck’s hand and stopped him from going on. They’d been here a couple times before, and there was never anyone around. Who’d want to go to the playground in the middle of the night? But it was a good place to relax and talk. He led Donghyuck over to the empty playground and sat down on one of the swings, pulling Donghyuck down beside him. Donghyuck swung himself back and forth a bit but kept his feet on the ground. 

Renjun exhaled, his breath puffing in the chilly air. “Are you alright, Donghyuck?”

Donghyuck shrugged, looking down at his feet.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine,” Renjun said. “Just know that I’m willing to listen.”

Several minutes passed. Renjun closed his eyes and soaked in his surroundings. He felt the coolness of the chains he was gripping, felt the night breeze against his face. He smelled freshly cut grass and wet pavement (it had rained earlier). He heard cars honking and trains rumbling in the distance. If he concentrated, he could hear the crickets chirping in the park. 

It was peaceful out here.

“There’s just so much going on right now,” Donghyuck said at last. His voice was quiet, not unwelcome in the tranquil atmosphere. “Three comebacks in a row…” He shook his head. “I don’t know how they expect me to do it all.”

Renjun nodded in understanding and encouraged Donghyuck to continue.

“I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in months. It’s all practice, practice, practice.” Donghyuck sighed. “You know I love performing, and I would never want to leave 127 or Dream. But there’s a lot on my plate right now, and I don’t know if I can handle it. The fans call me an ace, but it’s so fucking exhausting. I just… I needed to get away from being an idol for a little while. Take a little break, you know?” 

“I get it, Donghyuck-ah.” Renjun reached out to place a comforting hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder. He looked Donghyuck in the eye and said, “Sometimes, the company works us way too hard. I think they forget we’re real people, not dancing and singing machines. But we’re human: we break if they push us too far. This whole industry, Donghyuck… it can be really problematic sometimes.”

He continued, “I know we both knew the risks when we chose this life, but it’s different when you’re living it. Being an idol is so damn hard, sometimes. But _you_ come first, Donghyuck. Screw the company, screw the industry. You’ve got to take care of yourself. If it ever gets too much, don’t be afraid to take a break. At the very least, lean on us, let us help you. You know we’ll support you no matter what.”

Donghyuck let out a long exhale, and all the tension drained from his body. “You’re right,” he said. “Thanks for coming out here with me, Renjun, and for telling me all that. I don’t think…. I don’t think I’m at that point just yet. I can’t stop right now, but I swear, after this round of promotions is over, I’m sleeping for a week.” He chuckled lightly. “Really, though, getting out helped clear my head. I’m still tired, but I think I can push through this.”

Renjun studied him for a minute, and Donghyuck did seem better. “Alright,” said Renjun slowly. “But let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you out.”

Donghyuck smiled and flung an arm around Renjun’s shoulder. “You’ll be the first person I call, Injunnie.”

Renjun grumbled, but he was glad Donghyuck knew he was there for him. “We should probably start heading back. But if you want, we can stop by a convenience store on the way and pick up some snacks.”

“You know me so well.” Donghyuck beamed and pulled Renjun up. As they walked once more through the late-night streets of Seoul, Renjun swore Donghyuck seemed more alive. Like the nervous energy had transformed into something brighter and more hopeful. 

-

**5\. Jaemin**

Donghyuck was pulling away from them. Lately, he was spending more and more time alone in his bedroom with the door shut and the world blocked out. He skipped movie nights; he didn’t come out to eat with the rest of the members. When he was with them, he seemed distracted. Emptier. He smiled less often, and his laughs seemed forced. He didn’t seem _present_. 

When questioned, Donghyuck told them he wasn’t feeling well. And while that might have been true, Jaemin knew that wasn’t all it was. 

Donghyuck had a tendency to isolate himself from time to time. 

Sometimes, Donghyuck’s head was full of irrational thoughts. Sometimes, he felt terribly insecure and lonely. He stopped seeing all the good in himself and started focusing only on the bad. He felt like he was worthless, like he was a waste of space. It could get to the point where he genuinely hated himself. 

Sometimes, he started doubting all of his relationships. He thought that nobody really liked him--they only tolerated him, or worse, they pitied him. And if they seemed to care about him, they were only pretending. Part of Donghyuck knew that his fears were irrational, but there was a large enough part of him that believed them.

So Donghyuck coped by withdrawing into himself. He started pulling away from the rest of the group, instead lying in bed and listening to sad music in the dark. 

Jaemin had seen this happen several times before. Sometimes, Donghyuck needed someone to pull him out of his room and force him to join the group. Sometimes, Donghyuck needed someone to talk to him and reassure him that he was loved. Sometimes, Donghyuck needed someone to just be there with him. Whatever Donghyuck needed, Jaemin would give it to him today.

Jaemin knocked on Donghyuck’s door. 

There was no response, but Jaemin came in anyway. The room was dark. Donghyuck appeared to be asleep, but Jaemin could tell from his breathing that he was very much awake. Donghyuck wanted Jaemin to leave him alone, but Jaemin wouldn’t. Not when he was feeling like this.

Jaemin approached Donghyuck cautiously and sat down on the floor next to his bed. He leaned against the bedframe and stared at the wall. It was best not to get too close too soon. The last thing he wanted was for Donghyuck to get mad at him and push him even farther away. 

Jaemin started talking. Not about anything important. Just about what everyone was up to, about what Jaemin had done today. He told Donghyuck about how Jeno and Chenle had fought over the last pack of ramen. He told Donghyuck about how Renjun had almost attacked Jisung when he spoiled the movie they were watching. He told Donghyuck about what he ate for dinner and about the new filters for his camera that he wanted to buy. Just casual conversation to fill the silence and ease the loneliness.

Eventually, Donghyuck interrupted him. “Jaemin,” he said, his voice tired. “What are you doing here?” 

“Keeping you company.” 

“Why?”

“Because I love you,” Jaemin said simply.

At that, Donghyuck made a strangled sort of noise and shifted around in bed. When Jaemin turned to look at him, he was sitting up. His hair was messy, and his eyes were wide. “You can’t just… you can’t just _say that_.”

“Why not?”

“How am I supposed to know whether you really mean it?” Donghyuck fidgeted with his fingers, not looking at Jaemin. 

And with that, Jaemin’s heart broke a little bit. He gestured towards the bed. “Can I come up?” he asked hesitatingly. 

Donghyuck shrugged, feigning indifference. “If you want.”

Jaemin got up from the floor and climbed onto the bed. He sat right next to Donghyuck, shoulder-to-shoulder and knee-to-knee. He let out a sigh and stared up at the ceiling. No matter how many times Jaemin did this, he always felt like he didn’t quite know what to say. But he had to try. For Donghyuck.

“Donghyuck-ah,” he began, pouring as much emotion and sincerity into his voice as he could. “You’re one of the most precious people in the world to me. Every day, you make me smile and laugh countless times. Your teasing and your jokes always lift my spirits and make me feel happier. Not only that, but you’re so good and so caring to everyone. Whenever one of us is feeling down, you know exactly how to make us feel better, how to make us smile again. You’re so generous with your love, you know. You compliment us as much as you tease us. You make each one of us feel so special and adored. You’re a literal ray of sunshine, Lee Donghyuck. How could I _not_ love you?”

“But…” Donghyuck looked uncertain. Like he didn’t quite believe Jaemin’s words just yet. “But don’t I come off as annoying sometimes? I’m too clingy; everyone always pushes me away.”

Jaemin laughed. “I’m even more clingy than you, Donghyuck. So, yeah, I get how you feel. It hurts when people don’t reciprocate your skinship. When they tell you to go away and go bother someone else…” Jaemin trailed off. He swallowed hard, looking down at the blanket. This was hitting a little close to home. “Some people don’t understand our need for physical affection, I guess. Sometimes they need space, and that’s okay. But it’s never your fault, Donghyuck. It’s your way of showing people that you love them--how can it possibly be wrong?”

Donghyuck shook his head. “It still hurts so fucking much, Jaemin.”

“I know,” Jaemin said softly, and he did. He turned to Donghyuck and opened his arms in a silent invitation. “I promise I’ll never push you away.”

Donghyuck’s face crumpled, and he collapsed into Jaemin’s arms. They clung to each other like they never wanted to let go. Like they could spend forever wrapped up in each other. Like they couldn’t live without each other. 

Jaemin pressed little kisses into Donghyuck’s neck and murmured “i love you” like a prayer, over and over again. 

“You’re not alone,” he promised Donghyuck. “And I’ll tell you I love you as many times as I need to until you know that I mean it.”

-

**6\. Mark**

Donghyuck was doing well. He was filming content for Punch promotions with the rest of the 127 members, and he was having the time of his life. His face ached from smiling so much. He laughed to the point of flinging himself onto whoever was closest to him. The energy from the rest of the members was infectious, and Donghyuck thrived on it. He teased Mark, he clung to Taeil, he cracked up at Johnny’s jokes. Adrenaline rushed through his body, and Donghyuck was on top of the world. 

This was where Donghyuck was the happiest. Surrounded by his members, playing around and having the best time. 

Feeling loved and appreciated, like he truly belonged. 

Filming came to an end too soon. The cameras stopped rolling, and the producers congratulated them on a job well done. “You did a great job, Donghyuck,” one of the camera directors said warmly, clapping a hand on his shoulder. “I couldn’t stop laughing at you guys.”

Donghyuck grinned and thanked him. It had been a very successful shoot. He was sure the fans would love it. But now that they were done, the energy was diminished, and Donghyuck felt disoriented. After hours of putting on a show for the cameras, Donghyuck supposed most of the members were drained. Donghyuck understood that, but he didn’t really feel that way. He was still hyped up from filming, and he didn’t know what to do with all his energy now. 

Regardless, it was time to leave the site. After grabbing their things, the members piled into different cars, ready to go home. 

During the drive, Donghyuck stared out the window and fidgeted with the zipper on his bag. The car was quiet. Next to him, Jaehyun had his earbuds in and his eyes closed. Donghyuck guessed that the other members were resting, too, or doing whatever on their phones. Nobody was in the mood for conversation. 

As Donghyuck watched the world pass by, he let his mind wander. He was excited about Punch promotions. He loved performing on stage. It was like being in another world. Everyone was watching him, and Donghyuck gave his all to the audience. It was exhilarating. There was a certain kind of energy during his performances…. something indescribable, but oh, so addictive. 

It was difficult with COVID-19 and social distancing. Donghyuck was grateful that he still had the chance to perform, but it wasn’t the same as in front of a real audience. Of course he knew that everyone’s safety and health was their number one priority, but… he just missed seeing his fans in person. 

Before he knew it, they were back at the dorms. Donghyuck went to the kitchen to grab a snack, and when he came out to the living room, Taeil was the only one there.

“Where is everyone?” Donghyuck asked, his voice unusually loud in the silence. 

“I think Johnny and Jaehyun went to the gym. Yuta, Doyoung, and Taeyong went out to try out this new restaurant downtown. Mark went to the studio, and Jungwoo is taking a nap.” Taeil yawned, stretching his arms above his head. “Actually, I think I’m going to go take a nap, too. Do you need anything before I go to sleep, Hyuck?”

“No, I’m good.” Donghyuck smiled and waved him off. “Go get some rest, hyung.”

And then Donghyuck was all alone in the living room. His smile dropped and his heart sank. Donghyuck sat down on the couch and pulled a blanket over himself. He leaned back into the cushions and settled in. It looked like he was getting some quality time with himself. 

Donghyuck turned on the TV and put on this drama he’d started watching recently. It was pretty funny, and Donghyuck usually enjoyed watching it. Today, though, he didn’t have the heart to laugh along with the jokes. He was watching the show, but he wasn’t really processing it. Usually, he watched the show with Mark. It was a lot less fun without someone to make sarcastic commentary to. 

Though he wasn’t paying much attention to the show, he kept it on for a while. After all, he didn’t have anything better to do. 

As the show played on, Donghyuck felt his energy dwindling and his thoughts straying to places they shouldn’t. He hated being alone. It gave him too much time to think, too much time to start picking on himself and his imperfections. Too much time for his doubts and worries to creep in and start whispering nasty things into his ears. Too much time to start spiraling into insecurity and loneliness. 

Donghyuck didn’t know why, but this had been happening more and more recently. He was sick of it. He needed to get these thoughts out of his head now, before they consumed him. 

Donghyuck grabbed his phone. His fingers hovered over the “call” button for a moment, but then he pressed down on it decisively. The phone rang, and Donghyuck tried to steady his breathing. 

“Hello?” Mark’s voice came through the phone, clear and comforting, and Donghyuck breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Hey, Mark,” Donghyuck said, praying his voice wouldn’t tremble. “Are you busy right now?”

“No, not really. Just working on a new song, but it’s about time for me to take a break anyway. What’s up?”

“I just… I just needed to talk to someone,” Donghyuck admitted. _Needed to talk to you_ , he didn’t say. 

When he was younger, Donghyuck liked to go to the sea and listen to the waves when he was feeling down. There was no ocean in Seoul, but the rise and fall of Mark’s voice had become just as comforting. Now, Mark’s voice was more familiar to him than the waves of Busan. Mark was his home now. 

“Okay,” Mark said, and Donghyuck could tell the wheels in his brain were spinning. “Anything in particular you want to talk about?”

“Not right now… how about you tell me about the new song you’re working on?”

“Okay.” Donghyuck heard some papers rustling around, and then Mark’s voice came back, warm and calm. “It’s more of a slow song, I guess. I want to… I want to comfort people with this song. Let them know that I’m here for them, and I’m not going anywhere. And… no matter what they’re feeling, I’ll stand by them. They’ll never have to worry about losing me.”

There was a pause, and then, “Hey, Donghyuck, are you okay?” Mark’s voice held a hint of alarm now. 

“What?” Donghyuck was confused for a second, and then he realized he was crying. Not very loudly or very violently, but apparently loud enough that Mark could hear him. He was tempted to say that he was fine, to wave off Mark’s concern and tell him not to worry about Donghyuck. But the truth was, he really wanted to see Mark right now. He desperately wanted Mark to hold him, and comfort him, and tell him everything would be okay. 

So Donghyuck swallowed his pride. “Actually, Mark,” he said, his voice wavering. “Can you come back to the dorms, please?”

“Yeah, of course, I’ll be right there.” Donghyuck could hear Mark moving around and saying goodbye to someone. “Okay, I’m on my way,” he said. 

“Can you stay on the line?” Donghyuck asked quietly. 

“Yeah.” As Mark came back to the dorm, he kept up a running commentary of where he was and how much longer it would take for him to get back. Donghyuck was glad. He needed something to fill the silence, something to assure him that someone else was there. 

When he heard the door to the dorm open, Donghyuck had never felt more relieved. “I’m here,” Mark said. He hung up the phone, and then he was right in front of Donghyuck, looking so distraught and concerned that it made Donghyuck cry even harder. 

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck choked out. “I don’t… I don’t know why I’m crying. Sorry… sorry I made you come back here.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Mark said, gently, but a little desperately. “I’m always here for you, Donghyuck.” He reached out and pulled Donghyuck in, letting him cry into his T-shirt. He ran one hand up and down Donghyuck’s back and cradled Donghyuck’s head with the other. “It’s okay, you’re okay.”

“Just breathe for me, okay, Donghyuck? Like this.” Mark inhaled and exhaled deeply, and Donghyuck did his best to follow along. His breaths were shuddering, but they gradually became more calm. 

“What’s wrong, Donghyuck?” Mark asked when Donghyuck had mostly stopped crying. And, god, he sounded so sincere and caring that it made Donghyuck’s heart ache. 

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I was feeling so great earlier today… but then I got home, and I was watching TV by myself, and I guess I just crashed. I’m sorry… I’m not really sure what happened.”

“That’s okay,” Mark said soothingly. “You don’t always have to have a reason for being sad, Donghyuck. It just happens, sometimes. I get it.”

“I didn’t want you to have to see me like this, though,” Donghyuck mumbled. “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“Hey.” Mark pulled back and looked right at Donghyuck. Because when it really mattered, Mark’s shyness seemed to disappear. “I will never think any less of you no matter what. Even when you break down, when you let your worst out, when you lose your temper. You are _not_ losing me. We’ve been together so long that you’re practically a part of me, Donghyuck. When you hurt, so do I. I’ll be here for you, always.” Mark gave him a small smile. “Don’t be afraid to lean on me.”

Donghyuck exhaled slowly and leaned forward, resting his head on Mark’s shoulder. “I love you, Mark Lee,” he breathed out.

Mark reached down and fumbled around, looking for Donghyuck’s hand. When he found it, he entwined his fingers with Donghyuck’s and squeezed his hand tightly, in his own silent “i love you.”


End file.
